Fun Files (Texts, Jokes, Links, Games etc.)

[SoundBangeR]

^^

[$Xeon$]

serious gangsta skills

[BrokenArrow.]

[Match*Star.]

College Finals

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

[ZeroShout]

Ich liebe ihn <3

[Match*Star.]

Fix the Sidewalks

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week."

[SoundBangeR]

zufällig drauf gekommen
in meiner sig nur ein bisschen anders^^

[Match*Star.]

Three men died and stood in front of ***.

*** asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. *** gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. *** praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

[SoundBangeR]

[Match*Star.]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver.. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[SirLawliet]

[Match*Star.]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I?ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn?t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

[ms​]

3 Guys are in a cafe.

The first guy says "I have the smallest arm in the world."

The second guy says "I have the smallest head in the world."

The third guy says "I have the smallest **** in the world."

They all go to the Guinness Book of World Records.

The first guy comes back and says I really have the smallest arm in the world.

The seconds guy returns and says I have the smallest head in the world.

The third guy comes back and angrily says WHO THE **** IS JUSTIN BIEBER

[BlackSoulLady]

Politikerwitze #2

Ein Tourist besucht einen Antiquitätenladen in einer Nebenstraße in San Franciscos Chinatown. Da entdeckt er eine Bronzeskulptur einer Ratte. Die Skulptur scheint ihm so interessant und einmalig, dass er sie nimmt und den Ladeneigner fragt, was sie kostet. "Zwölf Dollar," sagt dieser, "und tausend Dollar für die Geschichte, die mit dieser Skulptur verknüpft ist."
"Du kannst die Geschichte für Dich behalten, alter Mann," sagt der Tourist. "Ich nehme die Ratte."
Nach dem Kauf verlässt der Mann den Laden mit der Skulptur unter seinem Arm. Als er die Straße vor dem Laden überquert, kommen zwei Ratten aus einem Abwasserschacht und folgen ihm. Der Mann schaut nervös zurück und beginnt schneller zu gehen.
Jedes Mal, wenn er einen Abwasserschacht passiert, kommen neue Ratten und folgen ihm. Nachdem er hundert Meter gegangen ist, folgen ihm schon über hundert Ratten. Die Leute beginnen auf ihn mit den Fingern zu zeigen und zu schreien.
Er beginnt zu rennen, aber immer mehr Ratten kommen aus Abwasserschächten, Kellern, verlassenen Grundstücken und Schrottautos. Als er das Wasser unten am Hügel sieht, sind schon tausende von Ratten an seinen Fersen. Er rennt immer schneller, doch die Ratten halten das Tempo mit. Er hat das Gefühl, dass ihm schon über eine Million Ratten folgen. Er rennt zum Ufer, springt und hält sich an einem Laternenpfahl fest, während er die Ratte ins Meer wirft.
Mit Staunen beobachtet er das Schauspiel, wie die Ratten alle hineinspringen und ertrinken. Als nach etwa einer Viertelstunde das Schauspiel zu Ende ist, macht er sich auf den Weg zurück zum Antiquitätenladen. "Ah, Du bist zurückgekommen, um den Rest der Geschichte zu erfahren," sagt der Besitzer.
"Nein," antwortet der Tourist, "ich will nur wissen, ob Du auch einen bronzenen George-Bush-Wähler hast."

[Zeds Dead]

Ein Pärchen wird arbeitslos und als einzige Geldeinnahme entschließen sie sich, das die Frau anschaffen geht.

Am Abend kommt sie wieder mit 100,20€

Der Mann fragt:Wer gibt denn da 20Cent?

Seine Frau:

 Spoiler

Na JEDER!