bahahahahhaahah this sucks so hard, words cannot describe.
Code:
UPDATE IT
SET RefItemID = R1.ID
FROM SRO_VT_SHARD.dbo._Items IT
JOIN SRO_VT_ROYAL.dbo._MultiModelPossibleItems R
ON IT.RefItemID = R.ID
JOIN SRO_VT_ROYAL.dbo._MultiModelPossibleItems R1
ON CASE
WHEN (PATINDEX('%LOOK%',R.Codename128)) = 0
THEN (R.Codename128 + '_LOOK' + @NewDegree)
ELSE (LEFT(R.Codename128,(PATINDEX('%_LOOK%',R.Codename128)-1)) + '_LOOK' + @NewDegree)
END = R1.Codename128
WHERE ID64 = @ItemID
That's how I'm doing it. Codename based since its included in the index, thus it'll be in RAM anyways. Which makes it more than fast enough.