100 one liners

[Obilee]

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.








If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.








The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.










My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

When in doubt, mumble.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."







You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

teh best !

[saweet]

It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.
— Albert Einstein

Eighty percent of success is showing up. — Woody Allen

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. — Wilson Mizner

The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance; it is the illusion of knowledge. — Daniel J. Boorstin

The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. — William Arthur Ward

If you don’t make mistakes, you’re not working on hard enough problems. And that’s a big mistake. — Frank Wilczek

You can never get enough of what you don’t really need.— Eric Hoffer

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. — Albert Einstein

Do not confuse motion and progress. A rocking horse keeps moving but does not make any progress. — Alfred A. Montapert

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. — Bill Cosby

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. — Spanish Proverb

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. — Oscar Wilde

There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem. — Harold Stephens

It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them. — Alfred Adler

I hear: I forget / I see: I remember / I do: I understand — Chinese Proverb

Discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most. — Unknown Author

The very best thing you can do for the whole world is to make the most of yourself. — Wallace Wattles

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. — Barry LePatner

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion. — Abraham Lincoln

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. — Winston Churchill






If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging. — Joe Martin

Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. — Ambrose Bierce

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. — Noel Coward

The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets. — Will Rogers

You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. — George Burns

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. — Groucho Marx

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others. — Groucho Marx

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. — Sam Levenson

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) — Unknown Author

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. — Calvin Trillin

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money. — David Richerby

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. — Garry Shandling

I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either. — Jack Benny

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. — Lily Tomlin

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. — Mel Brooks

If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect. — Ted Turner

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. — Henny Youngman

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. — Groucho Marx

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law. — Douglas Hofstadter

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. — Franklin P. Jones






Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. — Albert Einstein

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. — Susan Erz

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. — Pablo Picasso

A genius! For 37 years I’ve practised fourteen hours a day, and now they call me a genius! — Pablo Sarasate

There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. — Don Herold

The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot. — Michael Althsuler

The little I know I owe to my ignorance. — Orville Mars

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. — George Bernard Shaw

In God we trust; all others bring data. — Dr. W. Edwards Deming

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. — Mark Twain

Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference. — Mark Twain

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular. — Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.

Simple, clear purpose and principles give rise to complex and intelligent behavior. Complex rules and regulations give rise to simple and stupid behavior. — Dee Hock

Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere. — Albert Einstein

In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable. — Dwight D. Eisenhower

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. — Niels Bohr

Before you go and criticize the younger generation, just remember who raised them. — Unknown Author

Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see. — Arthur Schopenhauer

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit. — Harry Truman

A conclusion is the place where you got tired thinking. — Martin H. Fischer

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